I just got back from L.A. 2 days ago. i'm still beat.
Lauren (zui) and i had so much fun together like always, even though we had horrible mishaps like always. its the trashy curse! we expect something crazy to happen every trip, we always get stranded somehow.
first night we met up with onch at the beverly center, then we went out to eat in hollywood at a gay bar and went home. that night i took a shower at onch's house, i put conditioner in, then i noticed it smelled odd. it took me a minute before i noticed it was NAIR! i shampooed it out immedietely, luckily my hair was just slightly damaged, but Lauren (zui) started having a panic attack and was crying, i had to calm her down outside for an hour she couldnt breathe, she was so scared for me. apparantly onch's ex is so bitter he filled his conditioner bottle with nair in hopes he would use it, but unfortunately i was the one who got the backlash of it.
the next morning we were woken up at 7 am to sounds of screaming and crying in some asian language, onch had some drama come up. we headed out to hollywood and filmed with buzznet at kitson, then some paparazzi showed up and it was intense, so we went to DCMA and the bffs got some free gear while the paps filmed. after that we headed to this awesome restaraunt called toast. it was amazing! then we went to lauren's (a different one) house and got ready for the premier. when we got there it was all out craziness but so much fun. we got to meet up with hanna for a little, she was really sweet. Then paris took us all over in the limo to Apple for the after party, i think i had a little too much to drink haha. paris gave me a shot of something or other and that did me in for the night, i ended up passing out on the way home and im pretty sure i barfed on the dress ivy loaned me (sorry ivs!) but what is a night out in hollywood with out throwing up all over yourself? lolz
next morning zui and i woke up with the worst hangover ever and we were dying of thirst, onch was asleep and not getting up so we decided to walk to a 711 or something to get a drink. we realized about 3 miles later that there wasnt anything close and we were wandering around in the middle of the desert in 104 degree heat dying of thirst and dehydrated, it was horrible we almost started seeing mirages. finally before we were about to pass out we found an albertsons and we drank a bottle of water and then got some thai food at the restaraunt next door, we hitch hiked back home from a fan haha.
when we got back we found out onch wasnt going to drive us to the airport cause he was "too tired" we had no ride and were about an hour from LA airport. finally we got sinsu to drop us off at the studio so we could hang with friends before catching the plane. paris texted zui and told her to come hang while she was getting ready to shoot, she got us arbys and i got to play with her puppy marilyn who is the new love of my life! about 2 hours later we got one of the crew to give us a ride to the airport and we got on the plane home... craziness.


when i got home i decided i wanted to be blonde so i bleached the fuck out of my hair, and i guess i did it one too many times cause my hair turned to mush, i called ivy this morning and told her i was coming over her house with razor blades and we were shorning me like a little lamb. most girls would bawl there eyes out but hey, its only hair, theres so much worse that could happen, and besides it looks totally hot.

theres so much drama right now jesus, im not even a apart of it but people try to involve me. if you fuck with my friend i dont want any part of you though. zui is my best friend through thick and thin and if you have shit to say about her then youre basically saying shit about me, so you can kindly fuck the hell off for real.

one year ago today changed my life forever. it also brought me to so many people who are in my life now, and also led to a horrible heartbreak months later, but i would totally live it over again. i find it funny how different you and i are in one year. we have all changed SO much....
no matter what has happened between us, i will always have a soft spot in my heart for you, and hope one day we can be friends again<3

i miss being loved by someone

last week i went to a party with my friend christine. I left my drinks unattended all night, and sure enough i got SO SO very sick to the point that it was obviously not just the alcohol. someone had to have put something in my drink it was awful. Raquel called while her and Jimi were getting ice cream, it was nice to hear from them. Then Brett called me drunk the next night when i was half asleep but we spent the next 2 hours talking about boys and how they are life ruiners. i woke up the next morning unable to move. i caught this awful virus and ive been bed ridden for 2 days now unable to eat and barely able to stand. im getting better thank god, and tomorrow im off to new jersey for my dads birthday and my uncles MMA match at the tropicana. atlantic city baby!
I am so so addicted to this show called "its always sunny in philadelphia" its the funniest shit EVER. I <3 charlie....the end.
so i had everything set up to move to L.A in august and take film acting classes, but i'm kinda having second thoughts. i dont know what to do and it sucks...
in other news i lost ALOT of weight and this illness helped with that too ahaha its sick but true. and my skin = better then ever. i feel pretty good about all that.

i need some excitement in my life. i miss the good ol days when my friends were adventurous and single!
who wants to go on a mission with me?

my taste in boys have changed ALOT. I dont dig those tattooed pierced band boys anymore. I like the sweet nice guys, but also good looking and stylish. (ooh la la) actors are more my thing now. and although i swore myself off all musicians forever, I have a hardcore crush on a little someone the girls like to call D.C. (take your lucky guess haha) he is the apitemy of a "nice guy" and i LOVE it.

i want to go swimming this summer.. who has a pool?

a chapter in my life is officially over. but we still talk. i'm glad. things ended bad at first, made me unhappy. i dont like having enemies.
tomorrow is going to be insane.
last nite i had a taste of him, and how bitter it was. i am so glad i have nothing to do with them anymore. kids starting drama again. i hate it. kids think i want attention just because i showed up at my friends show in my hometown. seriously WTF. i would just be happy if they never mentioned my name again...

fuck.. i miss him.
why do i miss him? he was a douche. but he was the closest i've been with a boy since my ex fiance 3 yrs ago.

no one knows the reasons i liked him. and it was way beyond the obvious... we had alot in common, we talked about the silly stuff that no one else knew about. i never met anyone that i connected with so much. i miss that aspect of it alot. not to mention the obvious kissing cuddling etc. he was amazing. he was brilliant. he was an asshole.

now hes trying to get with my ex biff.... WTF shes the one that started this mess in the first place and he knows it. he's just doing it because 1)he knows he'll get some and 2) he's trying to piss me off..

whatever.

I met someone i really like anyway.

its enough to make you suicidal...

would they even feel bad if i died?

no, theyd probably make a huge post about how hilarious it was, and take credit for being the cause.

this relationship is unhealthy. I cant do anything with out her getting jealous and thinking I'm leaving her for a new bff.. i mean i dont blame her after what happened with the last bitch. But I'm not like her.
I just want to be able to have other friends and work on my career with out her getting pissed and jealous. I feel like a dude in a relationship who is being accused of cheating. and its totally not like that. I have no intentions on leaving her behind and now she thinks thats how it is... i feel like a douche.


warped tour is in 2 months..this should be interesting.

lifes a mess. is there anyone else i should be worrying about?

going west this weekend. my life is constant travel, but i dont mind. i'm a gypsy at heart. theres no such thing as home.
only people comfort me.

too much intoxication last week, i need a detox. i'm a mess.

people tell me they love me and i dont believe it, or at least understand it.

sleeping is where i am the happiest. it never used to be that way.

my favorite girl called me last night to tell me she kept hearing a horrible song and she was thinking of me. I'm glad I can do that for people. Made me think of the time we were watching him together on stage at S.S. things were ok then. But she still hated him for some reason hah. she looked at me and mocked him saying "Lana your eyes are the size of..."I laughed at her. oh what memories.
I'm going to see her and her boy this weekend. they are both the most amazing people i have ever met and i am so happy to have them in my life.



i have to go do something productive. i hate this.....................

i think i've become a people person.

how odd

i miss having someone to hold me. December seems so long ago. I had a taste of it last week and it was so nice.

I'm lonely

I miss you

Maybe we could make it all right
We could make it better sometime

Maybe we could make it happen, baby
We could keep trying
But things will never change
So I don't look back
Still I'm dying with every step I take
But I don't look back

Just a little, little bit better
Good enough to waste some time
Tell me would it make you happy, baby

We could keep trying
But things will never change
So I don't look back
Still I'm dying with every step I take
But I don't look back

We could keep trying
But things will never change
So I don't look back
Still I'm dying with every step I take
But I don't look back

And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat
And it hurts with every heartbeat

i dont know what to do. my life seems pointless. where am i going? am i making the right desicions?
people see someone that isnt me. i want to go out and live and forget the people who hate me and dislike me for a fabricated image they have made for me.

life is lonely. i miss him alot. i'm doing really well though. the sun shining through my blinds this morning felt like a morning waking up in his room. i would slide my fingers through his hair and whisper in his ear to wake him up. his lips were so soft. i even miss the cute noises he makes when he sleeps. life is moving on, i will make new memories these will be forgotten. I'm waiting for that day.

Its beautiful outside, I want to do something.


there is something so creepy yet alluring about the dead. i find myself obsessed with it. but i'm not morbid.

i cant believe he's dead...

no

you drive me crazy!!!

yeah so, party party party this weekend. And I cant drink a drop. not only am i driving everywhere, but I made a bet with the Fall Out Boy crew that i would be straight edge untill the LA show, and i intend on winning that bet. they are all certain i will loose.


ok im off to starbucks! give me a holla if you are bored... probably hanging with miss Die tonight.
I've decided to take a new approach on my life and just not give a shit about the small things, just have fun....

why are human beings so untrustworthy? i dont believe anyone but myself anymore.... everyone is out for themselves its true, I dont trust anyone, even you.

fuck this shit i'm going solo..... everyman for himself....



also, why do i always end up in the "i hate you, i win you loose, now lets make out" kind of deal with boys?? hahaha seriously this is even worse then the last boy, its like an all out battle...funnny

So I guess I'm getting back into this LJ thing... I dont really like the idea of posting blogs into myspace anymore, even if its under preffered list only people always bug me to let them in and i feel bad saying no.... this feels alot more private for some reason.
Ivy, Diana, Chloe and I are starting a band. Yes, a real band... we're called wolf police and were going to take the country by storm! hahah

went to a party on friday, I was really tired. I decided about a week ago to become straight edge, even at the fob after party last week, everyone was offering to buy me drinks and i was strong and declined... i could have gotten wasted and made a fool of myself on stage with pete and ashlee, but instead i was good! only to give in on friday.... its ok i wasnt smashed or anything.

I had to end up with him? It wasnt even planned in anyway. It just happened.
he is SO hard to understand and we fight 24/7...plus he's got a major case of lead singer complex, even his friends have told me(so its kind of funny that he thinks I have and ego!)... ugh. not only that, but how fun do you think it is for me to think of him out there everynight in a new city with new girls all over him...whatever. frustration leads me to paint...